"Happy"

I watch movies, tv shows, my friends lives, their pictures. I see lots and lots of "happy" around me. So, I know that I am "happy". Frankly there isn't much that could make me happier, but I can think of one thing. My whole life, my degree, my future, is built around people and the relationships between people. PEOPLE are usually what make people happy. I have friendships, great ones, AMAZING friendships that I wouldn't trade for the world, but somehow that doesn't feel like enough. I'm not lonely exactly, I just want someone to share my life with. I want someone who gets me and loves me for me. Someone who cares how my day went, even when I did the exact same thing as yesterday. I want someone who cares as much as I do about the little things. The slow kisses that mean more than the pecks when saying hello or goodbye. The interlaced fingers when he holds my hand. The hugs that last longer than normal. The half smile when he looks at me and I know he's thinking about only me. I want someone who will wrap his arms around me and make me feel safe. Someone who doesn't always take life too seriously. Maybe someone who is okay with me being needy sometimes. I don't want tall, dark, and handsome exactly, I want whatever is on the inside, the packaging is just a bonus. I want someone who I feel whole with. All of those things are things he is, has, does, or makes me feel. So since I feel like he's so perfect for me, I can't help but think there's something wrong about me that keeps him from choosing to be with me. I get that timing isn't always impeccable, and that hearts tend to heal slowly, but I can't help but take this personally, like it's something wrong with me. I can't help but feel like he's the one I should wait for. When I ask whether to wait for him , my answer is always the same, hold on, he's it. I'm holding as tightly as I know how. I tried letting go and I ended up tearing at my heart in the process. I can't help but feel like I fit in his arms, that we fit. I risk a lot by letting him have me without choosing me, I know that. I know that people think I'm being used and letting him run my life, but I'm not. I genuinely care about him. I want whatever for him that makes him happy, I just hope that involves me, too. I don't know where we go from here, whether change is important or not. Maybe this is us for a while. Maybe this could be "happy" for now.

Song Snippets.

I know my heart will never be the same, but I'm telling myself I'll be okay, even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger. ~Sara Evans "Little Bit Stronger"

You had it all, for a pretty little while, and somehow you made me smile when I was sad. You took a chance, on a bruised and beaten heart, then you realized you wanted what you had, I guess I should have been more like that. ~Miranda Lambert, "More Like Her"

I told you I needed space, I wanted you to make me stay, I prayed don't let me drive away, don't say goodbye. I don't wanna miss you, don't wanna get used to being by myself, I don't wanna miss you, don't wanna give my heart to no one else, I don't wanna miss you. ~Thompson Square, "I Don't Wanna Miss You"

If she brings you happiness, then I wish you both the best, it's your happiness that matters most of all. But if she ever breaks your heart, if the teardrops ever start, I'll be there before the next teardrop falls. Though it hurts to let you go, darling I want you to know, I'll run to you if ever you should call. And if I should ever hear, that she's made you shed a tear, I'll be there before the next teardrop falls. ~Dolly Parton, "Before The Next Teardrop Falls"

Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door, another battle's lost but not the war cause, tomorrow's another day, and I'm thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain... Yeah I might feel defeated, I might hang my head, I might be barely breathing, but I'm not dead. ~Jo Dee Messina and Tim McGraw, "Bring On The Rain"

Tell me no secrets, tell me some lies, give me no reasons, give me alibis, tell me you love me and don't let me cry, say anything but don't say goodbye. I didn't mean to treat you bad, didn't know just what I had, but honey now I do, and don't it make my brown eyes blue. ~Crystal Gayle, "Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue"

Boundaries

When we crossed that line from friends to more than that, our chance at ever being just friends again seems to have disappeared. I don't think I can go back to just friends. Not now. Not with him. I do love him, whether he understands that or not. But he is still in love with her. If she were closer, if she hadn't hurt him, they be together. I do want him to be happy, but is it too selfish of me to wish that him being happy meant me being happy too?

Dr. Meredith Grey (Grey's Anatomy): "Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big, pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me... love me."

Not Good Enough

I guess that wasn't really good enough for me. I wanted really bad to pretend it was so that I wouldn't feel hurt, but it hurt me anyway.  I am independent, I am not someone else's puppet no matter what people think. I refuse to be. I also don't want to feel like something is there that isn't there, and since there's nothing there, I'm going to stop faking like there is. Maybe someday there will be, and we will wait and see.  I want to be with him, more than anything, but I refuse to put myself through hell to hold on to him when it's clear he doesn't want me holding on.

Enough for me.

I'm not really sure what this is. I know that I want more someday, and I know that less than this isn't what I want either. I want a friend, a someday best friend. Maybe that's what I needed to find first. Maybe I can be happy with what I have. I know no matter what happens he has my back. I know when I need him most he will be there. I know beyond a shaddow of a doubt that he would catch me if I were ever to fall. That's what I wanted. Someone who I cared about enough to do those things for, and who would care enough to do them for me. I found that. I cannot lose that. I will do anything I can to make sure I don't lose that, even if that means waiting forever for anything more than "friends". I do love him. Not in the romantic lovey dovey way, but in a human, best friend, trust with all my heart way. He cares, I know he does, and he makes me feel safe. That's enough for me. Someday maybe there will be more there, but right now that's enough for me.

Shit Happens

Shit happens. It really does. People make mistakes, even huge ones, that they come to regret but can't change. I've made a lot of these mistakes, and I know even though I can't change them, that I'm going to be okay. In time, everything will work out how it's supposed to. "A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps" Proverbs 16:9. I will wait. I will be patient and wait for whatever it is that I am waiting for. It may hurt, and it may be difficult to let go of those things that I think I want, but I will let go if it means having the chance to be happy.

Post

Afterwards
It's never what you think it will be. You go in with no shame, no guilt, no resentment, and you come out ashamed to tell anyone, guilty for doing it, and resenting yourself for making a huge mistake yet again that you can't fix.
I know these things going into it. I know what it's like afterward, what emotions there are. Yet I ignore them beforehand and do it anyways.
I know that doing this fucks up everything good I do have. My jobs, my relationships. Yet something in me, some craving can get to be stronger than my love for the people in my life.
I didn't tell you beforehand because I didn't want you to think I was telling you to get you to say you cared or something. I shouldn't have told you in the first place because now you and I both know I messed everything up again.
God, I hope I didn't ruin it all. The friendship at least. I never do or say the right thing. not ever. Fuck.

Stretched

I think I've stretched this for far too long,
Seven months it's been without a single one,
The tears have stopped I feel okay,
I know I'm going to cut today,
My wounded, torn, shredded heart,
Is tired of being ripped apart,
So I will cut somewhere else,
And escape this piece of living hell.
It's no one's fault, I will not fight,
I know I'm going to cut tonight.
No suicide, no thoughts of death,
Just feeling alive again is best.
I'm not alone, really I'm doing fine,
I just crave a few blood red lines.
If someone knew they'd freak out,
But it's nothing really to worry about.
I'm not going crazy, I'll wake up tomorrow,
The peace of the razor I just want to borrow.
They'll call this a relapse, say I'm not okay,
But really I don't care what they say.
I know what I'm doing hurts those I love,
But it isn't them that I'm thinking of.
I'm thinking of the crimson lines,
The dripping hands don't seem like mine.
The sting of peace that comes with pain,
I'm thinking I know I won't do it again.
Those who know me may find out,
But this is my choice and I have no doubts.
The beads of blood that grow and cool,
The heat fades and cold blood pools,
This is proof that I'm alive,
This is not a good reason to cry.
The pain I'm feeling is physical pain,
No more pain from emotional games.
I slide the razor across my wrist,
And know this time the answer was this.

Hurt in the Distance

Sometimes you can see hurt in the distance, yet you walk right into it. Even if you can't see it, someone tells you it's right around the corner you still go around that corner blindly. Once you're in it, most of the time you feel like you're never going to stop hurting ever again. But if you just keep walking, you'll come to another corner, one where you'll turn around it and the hurt will be gone. At that point, you'll have traveled far away from the original hurt and you might actually be able to keep walking and move on.

This is my struggle. I know going into things that I am setting myself up to fail or setting myself up to get hurt. I keep letting things hurt me over and over again without doing anything to stop it. I used to put up walls in my heart to keep people out, to keep them from hurting me, and slowly I took down the walls. Now that they're gone, I seem to let people hurt me for no reason at all. Those walls are going back up. I'm done allowing myself to be vulnerable. I'm done feeling weak because I let myself get emotionally attached to emotionally unavailable people. It will happen, but I refuse to allow myself to feel like it is my fault or that I am weak because of it.

Think

I do things, I say things, I want things without ever thinking about it first. I screw a lot of things up that way. I hope I didn't mess whatever this is up too...

Wrong

Is this wrong?
Is it wrong of me to hold on so tight, when I know he is holding on to something else?
Is it wrong of me to wish that she didn't have such a hold on him?
Is it wrong of me to wonder if he is thinking of her when he stares off into space?
I don't know how to be this girl, I don't want to be second best.
Maybe time would have given us what we needed, maybe he would have moved on.
I don't want to think what almost happened was the reason we threw that space in the trash.
I want that space to be gone because he doesn't need it anymore.

I laugh with him. I laugh and when I do I realize that I'm truly happy when I'm around him. The problem is that after I laugh, and everything gets quiet, I know that it's not entirely true yet. I want to be happy WITH him. I'm emotionally attached to him, as a friend at least. But I can't help but feel like he's still emotionally hers. Until he tells me he's moved on from her, I can't completely relax when he's holding me. Is he holding me and pretending that he is holding her? Is he kissing me and pretending he's kissing her? Or is he holding me and kissing me simply because he's trying to forget about her? The problem isn't that he's holding me and kissing me, the problem isn't even that he's doing those things thinking about her, the problem is that I don't KNOW if that's the case. I don't KNOW if he's planning on being with me. I could JUST be his rebound still, but since I don't know and I'm getting attached, I'm scared.

So, is this all wrong? And if it is wrong, how come when he wraps his arms around me and kisses my head, how come it feels so right? How come he makes me feel so safe if this is wrong?
If I get attached, I could get hurt. So, is this wrong?

"White Horse" ~Taylor Swift

Stupid girl, I should have known, should have known...

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale,
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down,
Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around

Baby I was naive,
Got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
My mistake, I didn't know to be in love
You had to fight to have the upper hand
I had so many dreams
About you and me
Happy endings
Now I know

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale,
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rear view mirror disappearing now
And it's too late for you and your white horse
Now it's too late for you and your white horse to catch me now