Does he know?

Does he know that dreams about him still interrupt my sleep? Does he know that he changed me and I can't change back? Does he know that I don't go one day without thinking about him? Does he know that he has hurt me more times than I've told him? Does he know that I know he's making a huge mistake? Does he know that I know that he is just ignoring and avoiding me? Does he know that I can never forgive him? Does he know that I will never ever forget him? Does he know that I know? Does he know how much I gave up for him? Does he get it? Will he ever know? Will he ever understand?

Moving Along

Wow, life is completely amazing right now. I got my Residence Assistant position, have done really well in classes lately, and I'm home for the weekend. It's really nice to be home and see people that I haven't seen in forever, like the Jr. High Play kids. I miss that kind of thing. The play and the musical and the baseball games and such. Oh well. I'm starting to realize that there are so many good things at this point, that all the bad things can go away and leave and I don't even care. It's nice to know that I can be completely functional by myself haha. Terrible to think that it's going to be like that for a long time, but we'll get to that later. Being home is so weird though. Like, yes, I'm home, and yes, I'm your daughter, but no, I'm not 15 anymore. I LOVE having a curfew! Just kidding. I'm totally fine with saying where I'm going to be and everything, that's fine, but when I have to be home by some ridiculous time like 10pm or even 11pm, it gets super annoying. I come back to this house and I feel like I'm either being punished, or I'm 8 years old again. I come back to get away from school too, and here I find myself doing homework just to avoid working in the yard with my dad because it's freaking cold outside haha. What a life.

Long Gone

So, you're gone. So, I may never see or speak to you again. So, I cried for a few days after last talking to you. Who wouldn't after someone says that they're seriously saying goodbye forever? So, you're long gone. I want you to know that I pray for you, every night, at the same time. I pray that you're happy and that nothing will come between you and your dreams. I pray that you will be successful in your life. But most of all? I pray that you don't cry. I pray that you don't care, that you're over me completely. My fortune cookie the other day said "someone from your past will re-enter your life soon". If it's you...please don't. I'm going to be happy. At some point soon I'm going to stop checking to see if you're online even though I know you aren't. Someday I'm going to realize that you're not coming back. That this is really for good and we're never going to speak again. I'm not the kind of person to say goodbye easily, so this is really hard for me. I blocked your number from my phone. Even if you wanted to you couldn't get a hold of me that way. I hope that you never need to get a hold of me. Then there'd be no point in getting over it. But from now on I'm going to stop looking for someone to hold me and instead I'm going to let life give me what it has to offer. Anyways, the point here is that I hope you're happy in all the ways you can be. I hope you never hurt anyone, and I sincerely hope nobody ever hurts you. Anyways, as long gone as you are, remember my promise. I promised you I would ALWAYS love you. I've never lied about that. So with all my love, and for the last time, goodbye handsome.