So it's definitely been a while. A lot has changed. I have changed. I am not the person everyone knew in high school. I'm not the same person that I knew back then. I'm different. I'm happier. Or, I'm better at hiding when I am unhappy. Right now, all I can think about is doing the things that used to make me happy again. Doing those things that I was so incredibly adicted to. Doing those things that he had to save me from. For some reason, realizing that it has been over a full year since I was loved makes me very scared. I'm ready again to be loved I think, but even when I get close, I run. I remember every time I ran from him and he ALWAYS followed me and chased me down and held me, tight, until I stopped crying, stopped screaming. He was my rock, my stable opinion, my first real love. I miss him tonight. I can't say why because even I don't know. He told me once that my hair looked better long (right after I had cut it all off). Well, my hair is really long again because I can't bring myself to cut it. I don't know if that's the real reason, but it keeps coming up somehow.
These past few weeks, I've been thinking a lot about giving up and quitting. Quitting my job, quitting school, quitting the act, quitting life. I saw what suicide did to an entire family, to a class. I know how much it hurts them, so I don't know why I consciously think about it every single day. It's harder now, knowing that I have to save myself. Knowing that if I go to someone knew it opens so many doors that have been closed and locked for so long. Sitting alone in a room full of options and actually thinking about it again is really getting to me. I'm not saying anyone NEEDS to worry about me. But I'm a little worried. The rope my life hangs on is fraying again, and this time, there's nobody there to pull me up when I'm hanging by a thread. When I get to that final thread, I don't know where I'll be, who will know, or whether I can save myself. When you think about giving up every single day, and there's not one thing that concretely changes your mind, should you just give in? Because it fuckin' hurts to fight this hard just to sleep through the night and wake up for another day.
