God. That three letter word separates a lot of people. God doesn't cause it, but there are so many wars, so many arguments, so many problems that are centered around whether or not two people or two groups hold the same beliefs in one entity. God.
It's hard to believe without a doubt in anything, let alone something you can't see. I want to be sure. I want my faith to be as strong as it was when I was 4. When all I knew was what my parents and my church and my Sunday school teachers told me. I want to have that blind faith again.
Jesus. A whole different issue. I know beyond a doubt that there IS a God. That He is an amazing entity no matter how you look at it. The issue is Jesus. Jesus existed, that I understand, but beyond that I'm fuzzy. I want to believe that he was the son of God and that he was God coming to Earth to solve everything for us. But I just can't completely submit to that belief. I don't know that one person, no matter how awesome, no matter how many good things they do, no matter how highly they hold themselves, can actually be the son of God and know so much about everything.
I know that God is all knowing, all powerful, I have no problem with that. To me that is definitely a fact, but Jesus? I never met him. I've never felt his power or presence like I have felt God's. And yes, maybe they're the same, maybe I have felt Jesus' presence before and have mistaken it for God's, I have no idea. I'm really hoping that someday, the light bulb above my head turns on when it comes to Jesus. He is real, I believe that Jesus was the son of God and came to save all people who were willing to be saved.
So, do my doubts mean that I'm not willing to be saved? If I completely put my faith and trust in God, will I still go to Heaven if I don't believe in Jesus? I will never deny God again even though I have in the past. But Jesus is a whole different story. He confuses me. He is not as easy to figure out. God was never a person to me. He was just a power, an entity that I understand. Jesus is supposed to be this extremely powerful and amazing person that actually walked on this planet, spoke with real people, and died just like any other human being and yet He is supposed to be God? How does that work?
Also, should my doubts about Jesus keep me from going to a church where I know that they completely believe in Jesus? And why do people rely so heavily on the Bible if there are so many things in it that are clearly unethical and wrong in today's society? And last, why is there nobody on earth that can answer my questions without a doubt? Was Jesus the only person who ever existed that ever could? And why was His presence only limited to the time that He was alive? Why can't He come back? Why isn't He back now? There's clearly just as much world unrest as there ever could have been back when He did walk with people. Why does this unrest not measure up to the unrest that was occurring when He lived and died on the cross? Are we, as a people, completely undeserving of His presence in our lives? Why can't He, God, when I ask, help me to believe in what IS true and what IS in my life?
I want my life to be fulfilling, and currently, knowing that I do not go to church on a regular basis, and knowing that my children deserve answers when they come home from school asking about God and Jesus, I want to change what I'm doing. I want church, and I want worship. I want to sing the songs that clearly display my belief in God. But before I can do that, something has got to solve this Jesus thing for me. Let's get that cleared up and maybe He and I can have the relationship that I thought I had when I blindly believed in Him as a child.
God. Help me.
