Coming home is always difficult. There's not a place I can go, or a person I can talk to that doesn't remind me of what I no longer have. I go back to school and there are people who still talk to him even though I can't very much. There are places I drive by every day that make me think of him. Part of me loves that I still think about him... Part of me is terrified that if I never stop thinking about him, I'll never love someone again.
It's Valentines Day today... I have no valentine for a reason. The reason is that because he can't be my valentine, I don't want one at all. I haven't spent a Valentine's Day alone in a long time. There have been many roses, and many gifts given. But this time, there's nothing. I could go through the box again, just to feel loved. I could drive to the hill again, or cry in the parking lot, or drive up the mountain, or eat at that restaurant or look at my pictures or... well, there's a lot of stuff I could do, but nothing that is going to make me feel any less alone than I actually am.
It's been almost 7 months since we broke up and I still wish every day that he would show up and say that he still wants me, still needs me, still loves me... Even just still wants to talk to me. I wish people were right. I wish we were going to end up together because he's the only person who knows me as well as I do. We were close enough that those bad or good feelings in the pit of our stomachs were almost always right... especially his. He knew me, for good or for bad, he knew every part of me, every emotion and feeling I ever had he knew. He was my Romeo...My Joe...My Jack... And he always said he wanted to be those things forever... Either he lied...or he changed his mind.
He has changed. Only a little though... He's grown up a bit and so have I... But I'm always gonna be the girl he said he fell in love with. And no matter what, he will always be the guy I fell deep in love with... Whether that means that we could ever have a chance again I have no idea. I know one thing and that's it. I know that I miss him and that I go to bed every night thinking about him and praying for him. I know that I still love him because although I'm jealous of the girl he is or was with, I want him to have her if she is what makes him happy. If she's not well then I'll mess her up haha, but if she is then I want them to make it. But if I'm someone that could make him happy again, then I want another chance, I want a chance to make it, a chance to have the life that we always talked about and promised to eachother. The house, the dogs, the kids...everything. Maybe I'm just in love with an idea, but as far as I'm concerned, he's all I want.
I've met new people now, and I thought I'd find someone new. Well I haven't, and I am not going to I don't think. Not someone who measures up and surpasses that happiness that I had with him. He's worth waiting for, worth praying for, worth fighting for. And I plan to do just those things. I still love him. I miss him and hope to god that I can see him again someday... I'm not one to let go of things, but I'm especially not one to let go of people that mean as much to me as he does. I want my best friend back...
