Afterwards
It's never what you think it will be. You go in with no shame, no guilt, no resentment, and you come out ashamed to tell anyone, guilty for doing it, and resenting yourself for making a huge mistake yet again that you can't fix.
I know these things going into it. I know what it's like afterward, what emotions there are. Yet I ignore them beforehand and do it anyways.
I know that doing this fucks up everything good I do have. My jobs, my relationships. Yet something in me, some craving can get to be stronger than my love for the people in my life.
I didn't tell you beforehand because I didn't want you to think I was telling you to get you to say you cared or something. I shouldn't have told you in the first place because now you and I both know I messed everything up again.
God, I hope I didn't ruin it all. The friendship at least. I never do or say the right thing. not ever. Fuck.
