Heart

I've been told in the last few days that I'm compassionate and brave and that people are proud of me. I've been told that I have a really big heart. What people don't seem to notice, is how many pieces of that heart I've let go wandering around with other people. Right now, my heart is in so many different places, from my friends, to lost friends, to my grandparents, to my baby cousin. I feel like there's not whole lot of heart left for me. That sounds really selfish, but I'm loving on this little girl and yet feeling like there's nothing in the world I can do for her, and I'm also still broken about relationships. I am obviously not enough for a lot of people judging from those who have left me recently, and I'm afraid that I'm not enough for her either. I want her to have everything, I love her so incredibly much, just like I love all of the children in my family, but they deserve the world and I don't know how to make that happen for her.
I don't want to admit it, but I'm still crying every night before I go to sleep. Not necessarily because I've lost someone I love, which I have, but because I'm afraid that I'm going to love people who are just going to leave. I've had a problem with abandonment and rejection my whole life, and now that my past is the reason I'm being abandoned, I don't know where to turn.
So maybe I am compassionate, even brave. Maybe I do have a big heart. Sometimes I feel like it's worthless to have a big heart, because you are passionate about things you can't do shit about.

Skillet - Yours To Hold

Every single day
I find it hard to say
I could be yours alone
You will see someday
That all along the way
I was yours to hold
I was yours to hold

I'm stretching but you're just out of reach
You should know
I'm ready when you're ready for me
And I'm waiting for the right time
For the day I catch your eye
To let you know
That I'm yours to hold

Cat

I would just like to say, that it is far more fun to study when you have a cat that insists on doing stupid things to make you laugh. I'm sitting on my bed, and Chester comes in. I expected him to either come in and lay on my bed, or come in, sniff around, and leave. But OH NO! He comes in, explores under my bed, meowing at me for 5 minutes, then comes out, then he climbs up onto my bed (I say climbs because he only has one back leg to jump with so he sort of has to claw my bed to get up) he doesn't lay down though. He walks around my bed for 2 minutes, then inches his way toward my hands which were typing on the computer, until I pet him. He gets bored of that, sits down by the window and looks out. THEN he goes up under my blinds for a better view. Now, to understand how funny this is, you have to know that my window sill is not very wide, so he climbs up there, between the window and the blinds, with his fur handing between the blinds and starts purring. A really loud purr that I couldn't ignore. Anyways, he gets bored of that too. Then he comes back onto my bed and starts looking up behind my pillows. I have two really big pillows in front of my body pillow when I've made my bed and he insisted on jumping back there not realizing that the pillows were soft and when he tried to climb up them he just sank right into my shoulder. He was surprised and it was hilarious. He then climbs around back there for a minute, but when he jumps out he jumps over the pillows, and since he couldn't see me he landed right on my computer, which also surprised him. Gosh. I've spent more time laughing at him than I have studying. I'm surely going to fail this test.

Lose

I'm so glad I didn't lose everything I thought I was going to. I have more than I ever have before and whether I'm missing a piece or not, the rest is fully put together and looks great. I am content.

Peace

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. -Philippians 4:11-13

At church, the kiddos have a memory verse every month, this is mine. I refuse NOT to be content, I refuse to take my life and my family and friends for granted. I refuse NOT to be happy. I am content, and I am calm.

I pray every night to be guided to the right thing to do, the right path to take, the right things to say. I pray that I can find peace with my situation, with my past. No matter what I do, my past is a part of me. I've lost a lot of friends and loved ones because of it, but I can't let that keep me from seeking out people who will accept me regardless of my past. I am who I am because of everything that has happened to me, because of everything that I've gone through. I have accepted the things that have happened to me. I have cried and I have prayed, and I have learned from all that has happened. Now, my challenge, is to find peace with how that past affects other people.

Things change, I know that. People change, I know that too. I just want peace when these things change. I want reassurance that the decisions that were made were the right ones. I want to know that I am doing all I can to further His plan. Heartbreak happens, pain happens, abuse happens, I will grow, and learn, and find peace.

21

Five years ago, if you'd told me I was going to make it to 21 I would have laughed in your face. I didn't think I'd make it to 18 let alone 21. But here I am, and I'm so thankful to have the friends and family that I have in my life. They make this ride the most exciting one of all. Thank God for my life and for the people in it who make it worth living. Happy birthday to me!