Post

Afterwards
It's never what you think it will be. You go in with no shame, no guilt, no resentment, and you come out ashamed to tell anyone, guilty for doing it, and resenting yourself for making a huge mistake yet again that you can't fix.
I know these things going into it. I know what it's like afterward, what emotions there are. Yet I ignore them beforehand and do it anyways.
I know that doing this fucks up everything good I do have. My jobs, my relationships. Yet something in me, some craving can get to be stronger than my love for the people in my life.
I didn't tell you beforehand because I didn't want you to think I was telling you to get you to say you cared or something. I shouldn't have told you in the first place because now you and I both know I messed everything up again.
God, I hope I didn't ruin it all. The friendship at least. I never do or say the right thing. not ever. Fuck.

Stretched

I think I've stretched this for far too long,
Seven months it's been without a single one,
The tears have stopped I feel okay,
I know I'm going to cut today,
My wounded, torn, shredded heart,
Is tired of being ripped apart,
So I will cut somewhere else,
And escape this piece of living hell.
It's no one's fault, I will not fight,
I know I'm going to cut tonight.
No suicide, no thoughts of death,
Just feeling alive again is best.
I'm not alone, really I'm doing fine,
I just crave a few blood red lines.
If someone knew they'd freak out,
But it's nothing really to worry about.
I'm not going crazy, I'll wake up tomorrow,
The peace of the razor I just want to borrow.
They'll call this a relapse, say I'm not okay,
But really I don't care what they say.
I know what I'm doing hurts those I love,
But it isn't them that I'm thinking of.
I'm thinking of the crimson lines,
The dripping hands don't seem like mine.
The sting of peace that comes with pain,
I'm thinking I know I won't do it again.
Those who know me may find out,
But this is my choice and I have no doubts.
The beads of blood that grow and cool,
The heat fades and cold blood pools,
This is proof that I'm alive,
This is not a good reason to cry.
The pain I'm feeling is physical pain,
No more pain from emotional games.
I slide the razor across my wrist,
And know this time the answer was this.

Hurt in the Distance

Sometimes you can see hurt in the distance, yet you walk right into it. Even if you can't see it, someone tells you it's right around the corner you still go around that corner blindly. Once you're in it, most of the time you feel like you're never going to stop hurting ever again. But if you just keep walking, you'll come to another corner, one where you'll turn around it and the hurt will be gone. At that point, you'll have traveled far away from the original hurt and you might actually be able to keep walking and move on.

This is my struggle. I know going into things that I am setting myself up to fail or setting myself up to get hurt. I keep letting things hurt me over and over again without doing anything to stop it. I used to put up walls in my heart to keep people out, to keep them from hurting me, and slowly I took down the walls. Now that they're gone, I seem to let people hurt me for no reason at all. Those walls are going back up. I'm done allowing myself to be vulnerable. I'm done feeling weak because I let myself get emotionally attached to emotionally unavailable people. It will happen, but I refuse to allow myself to feel like it is my fault or that I am weak because of it.

Think

I do things, I say things, I want things without ever thinking about it first. I screw a lot of things up that way. I hope I didn't mess whatever this is up too...

Wrong

Is this wrong?
Is it wrong of me to hold on so tight, when I know he is holding on to something else?
Is it wrong of me to wish that she didn't have such a hold on him?
Is it wrong of me to wonder if he is thinking of her when he stares off into space?
I don't know how to be this girl, I don't want to be second best.
Maybe time would have given us what we needed, maybe he would have moved on.
I don't want to think what almost happened was the reason we threw that space in the trash.
I want that space to be gone because he doesn't need it anymore.

I laugh with him. I laugh and when I do I realize that I'm truly happy when I'm around him. The problem is that after I laugh, and everything gets quiet, I know that it's not entirely true yet. I want to be happy WITH him. I'm emotionally attached to him, as a friend at least. But I can't help but feel like he's still emotionally hers. Until he tells me he's moved on from her, I can't completely relax when he's holding me. Is he holding me and pretending that he is holding her? Is he kissing me and pretending he's kissing her? Or is he holding me and kissing me simply because he's trying to forget about her? The problem isn't that he's holding me and kissing me, the problem isn't even that he's doing those things thinking about her, the problem is that I don't KNOW if that's the case. I don't KNOW if he's planning on being with me. I could JUST be his rebound still, but since I don't know and I'm getting attached, I'm scared.

So, is this all wrong? And if it is wrong, how come when he wraps his arms around me and kisses my head, how come it feels so right? How come he makes me feel so safe if this is wrong?
If I get attached, I could get hurt. So, is this wrong?

"White Horse" ~Taylor Swift

Stupid girl, I should have known, should have known...

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale,
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down,
Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around

Baby I was naive,
Got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
My mistake, I didn't know to be in love
You had to fight to have the upper hand
I had so many dreams
About you and me
Happy endings
Now I know

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale,
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rear view mirror disappearing now
And it's too late for you and your white horse
Now it's too late for you and your white horse to catch me now

I'm not the girl...

I'm not the girl he thinks about each night before falling asleep.
I'm not the girl he wants to hold as he begins to dream.
I'm not the girl he wants to kiss as he walks out the door,
I'm not the girl he thinks about doing romantic things for.
I'm not the girl he would choose if it came down to hers or mine,
I'm not the girl he'd have to support in the toughest times.
I'm not the girl he wants to see when he wakes up each day.
I'm not the girl he talks about in that future sort of way.
I'm not the girl he fought with every day without end,
I'm not the girl he considers to still be his best friend.
I'm not the girl he dated and now he just can't let go,
I'm not the girl he runs to when he feels most alone.
I'm not the girl with long silky hair and a gorgeous smile,
I'm not the girl he pines for like a lovestruck child.
I'm not the girl who ran away into another's arms,
I'm not the girl who did his heart so much pain and harm.
I'm not the girl he trusts to stand forever by his side,
I am not the girl he wants to ask to be his bride.

I'm the girl who cries for him each night before I sleep,
I'm the girl who can't get him to stay out of my dreams.
I'm the girl who wants to kiss him whenever he looks at me,
I'm the girl who leaves notes and freaks that he won't see.
I'm the girl who would choose him before any other guy,
I'm the girl who will be there through the toughest fights.
I'm the girl who wakes and thinks of only him,
I'm the girl who's future I want him to be in.
I'm the girl who will fight for him every single day,
I'm the girl who will be his friend forever and always.
I'm the girl he stayed with and decided he wasn't ready,
I'm the girl who runs to him when life feels so unsteady,
I'm the girl with boring hair and a smile I can't hold in,
I'm the girl who fights for him but just cannot seem to win.
I'm the girl who won't run away no matter what the cost,
I'm the girl who wants to give him what he feels he's lost.

I'm the girl who's waiting for his heart to heal,
I'm the girl who wishes he could understand how I feel.

I'm the girl who wants to stand forever by his side,
I am the girl desperately hoping to someday be his bride.

Did I Screw Up Again?

I prayed for another chance, I just didn't realize it would come with a different person than I imagined.

This guy gives me everything, he tells me I'm beautiful, he holds me when I'm down, he makes me feel safe, makes me feel wanted. Yet somehow, I know he's still stuck on her. Yes, they dated for a long long time, and I didn't expect him to be over her quickly. But I was so happy when he seemed to be getting over her and spending more time with me. I tried not to be jealous when I knew he was texting her or when he talked about everything they used to do together, but the truth is, I like him a lot and knowing how much he still thinks about her makes it really hard.

Then he goes and tells me that he thinks he's still rebounding and we need to hold off on spending time together. "If we do start anything serious I want it to be right". I want it to be right too, I want him to be over her, I want to be over everything else wrong in my life, I want to be happy, I want to go on REAL dates with him, be his date to his sister's wedding, all of that is correct. What I wasn't expecting out of all of this, was the IF we start anything serious. I thought we were already heading in that direction. I though we were going to date. I thought he was debating how to ask me to be his girlfriend already (that sounds way high school, but still). I thought he was just about ready, then this.

Maybe I saw it coming somewhat. I knew that I wanted to slow everything down, but I didn't get a chance to say anything when he decided that he was still "rebounding" from her and needed space. I wanted slower, not dead stop. I really like him. I always said I would never consider ending up with a military man, but he's the only guy I would make an exception for because of how amazing he is, and how amazing he makes me feel when he looks at me. Just his eyes tell me that I'm going to be okay, that everything will turn out alright.

I screwed our relationship up the first time, it was completely my fault, and I know that. But this time? I was hoping neither of us would screw it up, that we could start a real relationship, and yet here we are taking "space" so we can start things right "IF" we start them at all. Did I screw up again?