Magnet

So after my awful weekend I purchased this magnet. It's a ribbon magnet, an orange one, it says "self-harm awareness" on it. I'm so excited to have it, I want to be able to explain it, but I can't. So, I have no idea what I'm going to do with it. I want to have the strength and the courage to put it on my car, I want people to know how hard I've struggled and with what, but I don't think I can do that at this point. So here it sits, in my room. I'm aware of self-harm, I'm aware of MY OWN self-harm, and yet I'm the only one that can see this magnet. The point of this is going to be getting to a point where I can put it out on my car without thinking about it and realizing that I can talk about it, that I can let people into my little world of pain. Letting people know that I'm healing and this is part of the only way I know how.

Until The Dreams Come True

My world is shattering. Literally. Everything I know is changing or being ripped from me. All I want, is to drop this semester and go home, and yet I can't do that and it kills. I want to take a break. I don't want roommates, I don't want the boy, I don't want the fighting WITH the boy, I don't want the classes, I don't want the therapy, I just want to go home, to my room, and be left alone. That said, if I do that, I'm not coming back, there's now ay. I'd be quitting all of the things I love most about my life so it's clearly not an option. Still, it's how I'm thinking right now. I keep thinking that I either do that, or I quit. Even though I feel so alone, I know that if I quit I would be leaving a lot of people upset and angry with me. Sometimes though, those people's pain just doesn't seem to compare to mine. I'm not different from them, but like a friend told me recently, sometimes you just gotta take care of yourself. I want to quit, I want to just give the fuck up, but I still have dreams, and until those fucking dreams come true I'm going to keep fighting for them until they do.