Come Back

I used to love coming home. I used to love that whenever I was home, I got real food, I got to spend time with my parents, I got to see my dogs. I used to be able to forget him while I was home and away... Now, whenever I'm home, there's that box. The purple sparkly sequin box still resides in my closet, and when I move to my new room, I don't know what I'm going to do with it. A piece of me is saying "get rid of it", but I know that I can't. I know that deep down, I'm still hoping that he will come back. Part of me feels like he died. He basically did die to me, he never talks to me, I can't see what he is doing. I'm SO proud of him for going to college and stuff, but I'll never be able to say that to him. The pictures are the worst. Some of them, we're as happy as we ever were, and the smiles are so amazing, and others I can tell we weren't happy, and most of those I have thrown away. When you've gotten rid of everything that reminds you of how much hurt the relationship caused, you forget about that hurt. When you forget about the hurt, you only remember the good things, the things you'd die to replace and bring back. The things you'd die to have again, only to remember, that's not going to happen. I want to know where he is, what he's doing. Just to know that he's okay would be enough. I fear that someday, something will happen, and he won't know that I still love him. If he goes through some terrible thing, and needs someone, he won't know that I'm totally there for him. If he were to call me tonight, tell me he was in trouble, tell me he needed me, I would be in my car in seconds, driving to wherever he is, taking however many days out of my life because I still love him. But he's not going to call. I still leave my phone on all night. I used to do that so that if he needed me and called me, I'd be able to answer. I still half hope that some night at some wee hour in the morning, my phone will ring. Although now it would ring with a number I don't know. Maybe, like his phone number, he and his heart have really changed. Maybe he wouldn't be the Sean I knew from high school. Maybe he's a completely different person that I wouldn't recognize. Or maybe, he'd be exactly like he was when I fell in love with him: stubborn, sarcastic, and completely supportive. There are SO many things I want to say to him, but mostly, I just want to sit silently in his arms again even though I know that's impossible. I miss you SO much Sean and someday I hope you realize that, and you come back...