Daddy's Girl

I always thought that I was lucky,

Lucky to be daddy’s little girl,

I always wanted to be daddy’s princess,

The center of daddy’s world.

It wasn’t until I had grown up,

I realized what was really true,

You didn’t want me to be a individual,

You wanted me to be you.

I rememer you were always emotionless,

Unless you were angry or laughing,

When I was upset or crying,

It was like you didn’t know what was happening.

I’m not the same person as you are,

I don’t think I will ever be,

I want desperately for you to be there,

I want so badly for you to accept me.

Mom thinks it’s just the way you grew up,

I just feel like you don’t even care.

I hate that you have so much control over me,

I can’t make my own decisions; it’s not fair.

I feel like I’m always trying to find a way,

To make you see that I’m an adult,

But when I do well you take credit,

And when I fail you assume it’s my fault.

I know that you’ll never be able to change,

And honestly none of this is new,

But here I am, sensitive, emotional, but strong,

And no matter what, I love you.

Losing

When ever things are going fine,

And life seems to be so smooth,

When the battle seems already won,

That is when I lose.

My kids all see my smile,

Some recognize my tired face.

Not a single friend sees it though,

And I cannot escape.

All-Inclusive Package Deal

You CANNOT order a person off of a menu. People cannot be customized.

Just imagine: “I’d like a tall, thin woman, extra large boobs, hold the feelings and the baggage.” To some people, this is the IDEAL situation, but to the average human being, this sounds ridiculous, yet this is what we expect in most situations by asking people to change or pressuring people into acting differently.

People are package deals. Not just those that call themselves “package deals” because they have a kiddo from a previous relationship. I mean EVERYONE is a package deal. My body and my feelings are a PACKAGE. You cannot have one and exclude the other. Nor can you exclude my humor, my knowledge, my compassion or my past. I come as one whole person. Not bits and pieces that you can pick and choose to love or hate.

To love—and I mean truly love, not just be infatuated with or be “into” or whatever—you must accept and learn to love the WHOLE person. Flaws, scars, histories...the works.  To those people who are not interested in “relationships”: get real. Whether you’re dating, sleeping together, “friends with benefits”, or friends, that IS a relationship! Every connection to another person is a RELATIONSHIP. So, when you say you’re not looking for a “relationship”, what you're really saying is “the relationship I’d like to have with you involves me choosing exactly which interactions we will have, which parts of your entirety we need to exclude, and which feelings are allowed.” Nobody wants to say that let alone hear that. So we simply say no to “relationships”.

If you only want the physical piece of the package deal, take care of it yourself. Because regardless of what a girl (or a guy if they’re being honest) says, there are ALWAYS feelings involved somewhere.

If you go on vacation, and everything (regardless of whether you want it or not) is included in the price, not only is the value higher, but the likelihood that you’ll at least attempt to appreciate everything you’ve paid for grows as well. RELATIONSHIPS WORK THIS WAY TOO!! If you look at a “relationship” as all-inclusive, and you put in the work, you’re raising the value of the person you are with simply by saying “I’m willing to give more because I want all of you”. Sounds simple right?

So, the relationship is all-inclusive, and the person is a package deal. NO ALL-INCLUSIVE PACKAGE DEAL IS CHEAP! So don’t treat them that way. You’re not going to get the best when you’re not giving your best, period.

You'll Regret It

"You'll regret it". I keep hearing it. Over and over and over people tell me I will regret it.

What I'm doing: covering up a significantly painful part of my past with something beautiful to constantly remind me and people around me that no matter what you've gone through, you can come through and be more beautiful because of it.

What people think: I'm getting a huge tattoo that I'm going to regret in 20 years.

Who CARES? Why do people constantly tell me not to worry about my scars and that they're "a part of me", and yet when I want to cover them with something that will bother me less people think I will regret it? I see my arm every single day. I don't get to cover it and pretend it isn't there like I let the people around me do. I cover it every day to keep it from bothering other people, why is it frowned upon when I want to cover it up with something that will keep it from bothering me?

Maybe I will regret it someday. Maybe in 20 years or more I will look at my arm and think ew, there's all this wrinkly, faded, tattooed skin. BUT will I not also be able to remember that it's covering the ugliest part of my life? Whether I regret this tattoo or not, I will always regret the scars that make up my arm right now. And instead of ignoring that nagging feeling that my arm is ugly and I hate it, I would rather do something about it.

The way I feel right now: nothing can look worse than my arm looks right now. Tattoos are a gorgeous form of artwork, and I've put a lot of thought into mine. I need to WANT to look at my own body, and right now, the scars keep me from seeing my own beauty.

Now... Maybe reading this to my parents will make them accept my choice. Here's to hoping!

2013

If I can make it 41 more minutes, I will have gone through the entire year of 2013 without cutting. Why does that make me want to do it? Why does the simple measure of time trigger me? Can one step backward undo an entire year and a half of progress and success? I tell the kids I work with they're worth more than they think, that they're stronger than they know, yet why can I not believe that about myself? I feel like a liar.  How can I keep them safe if, when I go home, I'm not sure that I can be safe? New Years has always sucked. At least for the past 7 years for sure. BUT, if I wait till after midnight, and do it then, 2014 will be entirely screwed. Bleh, sucks.

Careful...

I was being so careful. So thoughtful about how I spoke to you. I took time deciding how to say things, how to do things, what to say and post online, what to keep to myself and what to let you know. What you needed to know first, what you shouldn't ever know. I respected your feelings.

You didn't respect mine. You didn't think about how the things you said could affect me, and hurt me. You blindsided me. Took our "friendship" for granted. I loved you. And you didn't even have the decency to think before telling the world something you should have told me first.

I hope you respect her. I hope her feelings MEAN something to you. I hope that if you come to this point with her, that you'll reconsider your actions and cater to her feelings a little bit more than you have to mine. I DO want you to be happy of course, but I want that too.

NOTHING SERIOUS

The last thing a girl wants to hear when she REALLY like's a guy is that he doesn't want anything serious. That he just wants to have fun. I can do fun! I guess I'm just the kind of girl that wants serious. I want someone who wants me. Is that too much to ask? Or am I just unlucky enough to always like the ones that don't want what I want? Also, should I just do fun? Or should I let it go knowing that that is not all I want and that he may never come around? Ugh. Life's complications make me wonder: What's the point?

I want

Something’s not right,

Everything feels wrong,

I say the all the wrong things,

Can’t take this for long.

I give in too easily,

I don’t fight for my needs,

I let you walk all over me,

I always follow, never lead.

I need certain things,

Like being told how you feel,

To be held when I’m crying,

And reassured that this is real.

I’m done appologizing,

When I’ve done nothing wrong,

For needing you to do more,

For not being your kind of strong.

If you don’t want a future,

If you’re not in this for keeps,

Then I’m not the right girl,

We’ll never take that leap.

I cannot be the only one,

Who makes it’s worthwhile to stay,

I can’t be putting my heart on the table,

If you don’t feel the same way.

I WANT your forever,

I want you to be mine,

But if you’re not convinced,

It might take more than just time.

If it’s meant to be,

We will figure all of this out,

It feels like you don’t think it is,

And I just don’t know how.

I’m in love with you,

Whether you feel this way or not,

I want to be your girl forever,

There is no second thought.

I may be insecure sometimes,

Not sure of what we should do,

But I have no doubts at all,

That I’m meant to be with you.

Down

Why is it that I only feel the need to talk when I am hurting? Anyways, he's breaking my heart. I thought we were good, thought we would last, thought we'd make it. I would go to the ends of the earth for him. It never occurred to me that he didn't feel the same way. He isn't happy. I feel like he's only unhappy because of everything ELSE in his life. Yet he is going to give me up because he blames me for him being unhappy. I've given up a lot to make this relationship work. Things that I can't get back. I want to let him go have his time to discover himself and what he wants, I want to tell him to do that and when he has figured it out to come back to me, but the truth is, just as sure as I am that I might not be there, I am sure he wouldn't come back. He hasn't even left yet, and I'm already broken hearted, and praying that he will come back with time. Maybe I lost him a long time ago...

Let Go

The hardest thing to do in life, is to let go of the one thing you love, just to see if it will come back to you. You hold on so tight for so long, and when you loosen your hold you fear the worst: that the love of your life will never come back. I may let go completely, but I pray he will come back and not forget me.

Cave In - Kree Woods

Stay, just a little bit longer.
Staring straight at me but your mind wanders,
i know you're thinking about her,
you always were.

could you wait, give me just a few more minutes
and maybe i can figure out a way to fix this.

cave in crumble all around me
don't try to keep your distance,
colapse and let go,
give in, here is my solution
living in the ruins,
is all that i know
cave in to me
cave in to me

i need you to acknowledge
that there was at least a glimpse of right
in our wrongness

it felt so normal at times
and i swear i'll be fine
with the best that you can give me
consider the years that you've logged in
as i stand here and atone for what i did

cave in
crumble all around me
don't try to keep your distance,
collapse and let go
give in
here is my solution
living in the ruins
is all that i know
cave in to me

sure she is stable with her stone foundation
secure in herself such an easy decision
though i so quickly fall to pieces
collecting broken things has always been your weakness
cave in crumble all around me
don't try to keep your distance
collapse and let go
give in here is my solution
living in the ruins
is all that we know
cave in to me
cave in to me