"Happy"

I watch movies, tv shows, my friends lives, their pictures. I see lots and lots of "happy" around me. So, I know that I am "happy". Frankly there isn't much that could make me happier, but I can think of one thing. My whole life, my degree, my future, is built around people and the relationships between people. PEOPLE are usually what make people happy. I have friendships, great ones, AMAZING friendships that I wouldn't trade for the world, but somehow that doesn't feel like enough. I'm not lonely exactly, I just want someone to share my life with. I want someone who gets me and loves me for me. Someone who cares how my day went, even when I did the exact same thing as yesterday. I want someone who cares as much as I do about the little things. The slow kisses that mean more than the pecks when saying hello or goodbye. The interlaced fingers when he holds my hand. The hugs that last longer than normal. The half smile when he looks at me and I know he's thinking about only me. I want someone who will wrap his arms around me and make me feel safe. Someone who doesn't always take life too seriously. Maybe someone who is okay with me being needy sometimes. I don't want tall, dark, and handsome exactly, I want whatever is on the inside, the packaging is just a bonus. I want someone who I feel whole with. All of those things are things he is, has, does, or makes me feel. So since I feel like he's so perfect for me, I can't help but think there's something wrong about me that keeps him from choosing to be with me. I get that timing isn't always impeccable, and that hearts tend to heal slowly, but I can't help but take this personally, like it's something wrong with me. I can't help but feel like he's the one I should wait for. When I ask whether to wait for him , my answer is always the same, hold on, he's it. I'm holding as tightly as I know how. I tried letting go and I ended up tearing at my heart in the process. I can't help but feel like I fit in his arms, that we fit. I risk a lot by letting him have me without choosing me, I know that. I know that people think I'm being used and letting him run my life, but I'm not. I genuinely care about him. I want whatever for him that makes him happy, I just hope that involves me, too. I don't know where we go from here, whether change is important or not. Maybe this is us for a while. Maybe this could be "happy" for now.