"Happy"

I watch movies, tv shows, my friends lives, their pictures. I see lots and lots of "happy" around me. So, I know that I am "happy". Frankly there isn't much that could make me happier, but I can think of one thing. My whole life, my degree, my future, is built around people and the relationships between people. PEOPLE are usually what make people happy. I have friendships, great ones, AMAZING friendships that I wouldn't trade for the world, but somehow that doesn't feel like enough. I'm not lonely exactly, I just want someone to share my life with. I want someone who gets me and loves me for me. Someone who cares how my day went, even when I did the exact same thing as yesterday. I want someone who cares as much as I do about the little things. The slow kisses that mean more than the pecks when saying hello or goodbye. The interlaced fingers when he holds my hand. The hugs that last longer than normal. The half smile when he looks at me and I know he's thinking about only me. I want someone who will wrap his arms around me and make me feel safe. Someone who doesn't always take life too seriously. Maybe someone who is okay with me being needy sometimes. I don't want tall, dark, and handsome exactly, I want whatever is on the inside, the packaging is just a bonus. I want someone who I feel whole with. All of those things are things he is, has, does, or makes me feel. So since I feel like he's so perfect for me, I can't help but think there's something wrong about me that keeps him from choosing to be with me. I get that timing isn't always impeccable, and that hearts tend to heal slowly, but I can't help but take this personally, like it's something wrong with me. I can't help but feel like he's the one I should wait for. When I ask whether to wait for him , my answer is always the same, hold on, he's it. I'm holding as tightly as I know how. I tried letting go and I ended up tearing at my heart in the process. I can't help but feel like I fit in his arms, that we fit. I risk a lot by letting him have me without choosing me, I know that. I know that people think I'm being used and letting him run my life, but I'm not. I genuinely care about him. I want whatever for him that makes him happy, I just hope that involves me, too. I don't know where we go from here, whether change is important or not. Maybe this is us for a while. Maybe this could be "happy" for now.

Song Snippets.

I know my heart will never be the same, but I'm telling myself I'll be okay, even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger. ~Sara Evans "Little Bit Stronger"

You had it all, for a pretty little while, and somehow you made me smile when I was sad. You took a chance, on a bruised and beaten heart, then you realized you wanted what you had, I guess I should have been more like that. ~Miranda Lambert, "More Like Her"

I told you I needed space, I wanted you to make me stay, I prayed don't let me drive away, don't say goodbye. I don't wanna miss you, don't wanna get used to being by myself, I don't wanna miss you, don't wanna give my heart to no one else, I don't wanna miss you. ~Thompson Square, "I Don't Wanna Miss You"

If she brings you happiness, then I wish you both the best, it's your happiness that matters most of all. But if she ever breaks your heart, if the teardrops ever start, I'll be there before the next teardrop falls. Though it hurts to let you go, darling I want you to know, I'll run to you if ever you should call. And if I should ever hear, that she's made you shed a tear, I'll be there before the next teardrop falls. ~Dolly Parton, "Before The Next Teardrop Falls"

Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door, another battle's lost but not the war cause, tomorrow's another day, and I'm thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain... Yeah I might feel defeated, I might hang my head, I might be barely breathing, but I'm not dead. ~Jo Dee Messina and Tim McGraw, "Bring On The Rain"

Tell me no secrets, tell me some lies, give me no reasons, give me alibis, tell me you love me and don't let me cry, say anything but don't say goodbye. I didn't mean to treat you bad, didn't know just what I had, but honey now I do, and don't it make my brown eyes blue. ~Crystal Gayle, "Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue"

Boundaries

When we crossed that line from friends to more than that, our chance at ever being just friends again seems to have disappeared. I don't think I can go back to just friends. Not now. Not with him. I do love him, whether he understands that or not. But he is still in love with her. If she were closer, if she hadn't hurt him, they be together. I do want him to be happy, but is it too selfish of me to wish that him being happy meant me being happy too?

Dr. Meredith Grey (Grey's Anatomy): "Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big, pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me... love me."

Not Good Enough

I guess that wasn't really good enough for me. I wanted really bad to pretend it was so that I wouldn't feel hurt, but it hurt me anyway.  I am independent, I am not someone else's puppet no matter what people think. I refuse to be. I also don't want to feel like something is there that isn't there, and since there's nothing there, I'm going to stop faking like there is. Maybe someday there will be, and we will wait and see.  I want to be with him, more than anything, but I refuse to put myself through hell to hold on to him when it's clear he doesn't want me holding on.

Enough for me.

I'm not really sure what this is. I know that I want more someday, and I know that less than this isn't what I want either. I want a friend, a someday best friend. Maybe that's what I needed to find first. Maybe I can be happy with what I have. I know no matter what happens he has my back. I know when I need him most he will be there. I know beyond a shaddow of a doubt that he would catch me if I were ever to fall. That's what I wanted. Someone who I cared about enough to do those things for, and who would care enough to do them for me. I found that. I cannot lose that. I will do anything I can to make sure I don't lose that, even if that means waiting forever for anything more than "friends". I do love him. Not in the romantic lovey dovey way, but in a human, best friend, trust with all my heart way. He cares, I know he does, and he makes me feel safe. That's enough for me. Someday maybe there will be more there, but right now that's enough for me.

Shit Happens

Shit happens. It really does. People make mistakes, even huge ones, that they come to regret but can't change. I've made a lot of these mistakes, and I know even though I can't change them, that I'm going to be okay. In time, everything will work out how it's supposed to. "A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps" Proverbs 16:9. I will wait. I will be patient and wait for whatever it is that I am waiting for. It may hurt, and it may be difficult to let go of those things that I think I want, but I will let go if it means having the chance to be happy.