Birthday

As some of you probably know, I kinda hate birthdays. You're born once. Celebrate then. You die once, and people only hold funerals one time, you get married once (hopefully) and you only have a wedding once, what's the difference? I guess that's not the REAL reason I don't like birthdays. And it's not because I don't want to get old or I feel like I'm getting old too fast. It's just that it makes me thing back on the last year of my life. From the time I turned 18 until now absolutely everything in my life changed. At that point, I was in high school, preparing for Footloose with some of my best ever friends. Now, I have no music in my life, and a lot fewer friends. At that point, I had a boyfriend I dearly loved that I imagined I would spend forever with. Now, I have no boyfriend, and spending forever with one person seems unimaginable. At that point, I was still in high school, living at home, responsible for absolutely nothing but getting to school on time with the right homework. Now, I'm in college, living in a dorm, responsible for everything from getting to school, the right homework, to doing my laundry, eating right, buying gas, working in an office, and possibly making a huge, life changing decision by myself. A shit load has changed in my life since February 1st a year ago. And the truth is...I wouldn't want to go back. Sure I'd like to change some little things, how I did in school, what kind of a girlfriend I was, having more fun my senior year...but for the most part, this year was just a huge rollercoaster. The ups and downs have made me SO much stronger than I ever thought that I would be. I accept myself for who I've become and what I plan to do with my life. With this decision comes a huge change. If I take on this challenge, my life will forever be different. As will someone elses. The question is whether I want this year to be another year of complete flip flopping of my life, or whether I want a simple, normal year, instead of holding on to the only thing I've got left... I'm not ready for this, that's for damn sure. But I'd be ready, and I'd be amazing. Courage is not the absense of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear(~Ambrose Redmoon)
. I'm not afraid.

Dear Purple Sparkly Sequin Box

I told myself, that to really be over it, I had to go through the box without crying, and be able to throw every note away. I can't. And I can't decide if it's because I'm holding on even though I don't think I am, or if it's because I feel like it's throwing two years of my life in the trash can. I only have that box left. That's it. If I throw it away it's like trying to erase two years of my life. Two years, I might add, that brought me more happiness from one person than I had experienced up to that point in my life. How is someone supposed to do that? I know he gave back all the notes that I wrote to him and they're in there too (that box is FULL!). There are the pictures from Homecoming 07, Prom 08, Homecoming 08 and Prom 09. It has my senior pictures, and his senior pictures. I kept his graduation announcement, the little name card, the program from his graduation, and pictures that I took of him graduating. It has pictures of us from my graduation, my graduation party, and pictures we took together. There are notes of "I love you" and notes of "I'm so sorry" and notes of "hope you had a great day". There are tickets from every movie, every dance, ever game that we went to. There are score sheets from each time we played mini golf. There are dried corsages from every dance. That's two years of my life. That's something I can't just throw out. So here's the NEW plan. I will keep that box of you. Just as I have kept a piece of "us" in my heart as I always will. I will simply get a new box, and continue my life. It'll be a new empty box. And years and years from now, I'll have quite a few boxes of memories, and that old, dusty, purple sequin box will no longer seem so incredibly sad.