Wrong

Is this wrong?
Is it wrong of me to hold on so tight, when I know he is holding on to something else?
Is it wrong of me to wish that she didn't have such a hold on him?
Is it wrong of me to wonder if he is thinking of her when he stares off into space?
I don't know how to be this girl, I don't want to be second best.
Maybe time would have given us what we needed, maybe he would have moved on.
I don't want to think what almost happened was the reason we threw that space in the trash.
I want that space to be gone because he doesn't need it anymore.

I laugh with him. I laugh and when I do I realize that I'm truly happy when I'm around him. The problem is that after I laugh, and everything gets quiet, I know that it's not entirely true yet. I want to be happy WITH him. I'm emotionally attached to him, as a friend at least. But I can't help but feel like he's still emotionally hers. Until he tells me he's moved on from her, I can't completely relax when he's holding me. Is he holding me and pretending that he is holding her? Is he kissing me and pretending he's kissing her? Or is he holding me and kissing me simply because he's trying to forget about her? The problem isn't that he's holding me and kissing me, the problem isn't even that he's doing those things thinking about her, the problem is that I don't KNOW if that's the case. I don't KNOW if he's planning on being with me. I could JUST be his rebound still, but since I don't know and I'm getting attached, I'm scared.

So, is this all wrong? And if it is wrong, how come when he wraps his arms around me and kisses my head, how come it feels so right? How come he makes me feel so safe if this is wrong?
If I get attached, I could get hurt. So, is this wrong?

"White Horse" ~Taylor Swift

Stupid girl, I should have known, should have known...

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale,
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down,
Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around

Baby I was naive,
Got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
My mistake, I didn't know to be in love
You had to fight to have the upper hand
I had so many dreams
About you and me
Happy endings
Now I know

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale,
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rear view mirror disappearing now
And it's too late for you and your white horse
Now it's too late for you and your white horse to catch me now

I'm not the girl...

I'm not the girl he thinks about each night before falling asleep.
I'm not the girl he wants to hold as he begins to dream.
I'm not the girl he wants to kiss as he walks out the door,
I'm not the girl he thinks about doing romantic things for.
I'm not the girl he would choose if it came down to hers or mine,
I'm not the girl he'd have to support in the toughest times.
I'm not the girl he wants to see when he wakes up each day.
I'm not the girl he talks about in that future sort of way.
I'm not the girl he fought with every day without end,
I'm not the girl he considers to still be his best friend.
I'm not the girl he dated and now he just can't let go,
I'm not the girl he runs to when he feels most alone.
I'm not the girl with long silky hair and a gorgeous smile,
I'm not the girl he pines for like a lovestruck child.
I'm not the girl who ran away into another's arms,
I'm not the girl who did his heart so much pain and harm.
I'm not the girl he trusts to stand forever by his side,
I am not the girl he wants to ask to be his bride.

I'm the girl who cries for him each night before I sleep,
I'm the girl who can't get him to stay out of my dreams.
I'm the girl who wants to kiss him whenever he looks at me,
I'm the girl who leaves notes and freaks that he won't see.
I'm the girl who would choose him before any other guy,
I'm the girl who will be there through the toughest fights.
I'm the girl who wakes and thinks of only him,
I'm the girl who's future I want him to be in.
I'm the girl who will fight for him every single day,
I'm the girl who will be his friend forever and always.
I'm the girl he stayed with and decided he wasn't ready,
I'm the girl who runs to him when life feels so unsteady,
I'm the girl with boring hair and a smile I can't hold in,
I'm the girl who fights for him but just cannot seem to win.
I'm the girl who won't run away no matter what the cost,
I'm the girl who wants to give him what he feels he's lost.

I'm the girl who's waiting for his heart to heal,
I'm the girl who wishes he could understand how I feel.

I'm the girl who wants to stand forever by his side,
I am the girl desperately hoping to someday be his bride.

Did I Screw Up Again?

I prayed for another chance, I just didn't realize it would come with a different person than I imagined.

This guy gives me everything, he tells me I'm beautiful, he holds me when I'm down, he makes me feel safe, makes me feel wanted. Yet somehow, I know he's still stuck on her. Yes, they dated for a long long time, and I didn't expect him to be over her quickly. But I was so happy when he seemed to be getting over her and spending more time with me. I tried not to be jealous when I knew he was texting her or when he talked about everything they used to do together, but the truth is, I like him a lot and knowing how much he still thinks about her makes it really hard.

Then he goes and tells me that he thinks he's still rebounding and we need to hold off on spending time together. "If we do start anything serious I want it to be right". I want it to be right too, I want him to be over her, I want to be over everything else wrong in my life, I want to be happy, I want to go on REAL dates with him, be his date to his sister's wedding, all of that is correct. What I wasn't expecting out of all of this, was the IF we start anything serious. I thought we were already heading in that direction. I though we were going to date. I thought he was debating how to ask me to be his girlfriend already (that sounds way high school, but still). I thought he was just about ready, then this.

Maybe I saw it coming somewhat. I knew that I wanted to slow everything down, but I didn't get a chance to say anything when he decided that he was still "rebounding" from her and needed space. I wanted slower, not dead stop. I really like him. I always said I would never consider ending up with a military man, but he's the only guy I would make an exception for because of how amazing he is, and how amazing he makes me feel when he looks at me. Just his eyes tell me that I'm going to be okay, that everything will turn out alright.

I screwed our relationship up the first time, it was completely my fault, and I know that. But this time? I was hoping neither of us would screw it up, that we could start a real relationship, and yet here we are taking "space" so we can start things right "IF" we start them at all. Did I screw up again?

Heart

I've been told in the last few days that I'm compassionate and brave and that people are proud of me. I've been told that I have a really big heart. What people don't seem to notice, is how many pieces of that heart I've let go wandering around with other people. Right now, my heart is in so many different places, from my friends, to lost friends, to my grandparents, to my baby cousin. I feel like there's not whole lot of heart left for me. That sounds really selfish, but I'm loving on this little girl and yet feeling like there's nothing in the world I can do for her, and I'm also still broken about relationships. I am obviously not enough for a lot of people judging from those who have left me recently, and I'm afraid that I'm not enough for her either. I want her to have everything, I love her so incredibly much, just like I love all of the children in my family, but they deserve the world and I don't know how to make that happen for her.
I don't want to admit it, but I'm still crying every night before I go to sleep. Not necessarily because I've lost someone I love, which I have, but because I'm afraid that I'm going to love people who are just going to leave. I've had a problem with abandonment and rejection my whole life, and now that my past is the reason I'm being abandoned, I don't know where to turn.
So maybe I am compassionate, even brave. Maybe I do have a big heart. Sometimes I feel like it's worthless to have a big heart, because you are passionate about things you can't do shit about.

Skillet - Yours To Hold

Every single day
I find it hard to say
I could be yours alone
You will see someday
That all along the way
I was yours to hold
I was yours to hold

I'm stretching but you're just out of reach
You should know
I'm ready when you're ready for me
And I'm waiting for the right time
For the day I catch your eye
To let you know
That I'm yours to hold

Cat

I would just like to say, that it is far more fun to study when you have a cat that insists on doing stupid things to make you laugh. I'm sitting on my bed, and Chester comes in. I expected him to either come in and lay on my bed, or come in, sniff around, and leave. But OH NO! He comes in, explores under my bed, meowing at me for 5 minutes, then comes out, then he climbs up onto my bed (I say climbs because he only has one back leg to jump with so he sort of has to claw my bed to get up) he doesn't lay down though. He walks around my bed for 2 minutes, then inches his way toward my hands which were typing on the computer, until I pet him. He gets bored of that, sits down by the window and looks out. THEN he goes up under my blinds for a better view. Now, to understand how funny this is, you have to know that my window sill is not very wide, so he climbs up there, between the window and the blinds, with his fur handing between the blinds and starts purring. A really loud purr that I couldn't ignore. Anyways, he gets bored of that too. Then he comes back onto my bed and starts looking up behind my pillows. I have two really big pillows in front of my body pillow when I've made my bed and he insisted on jumping back there not realizing that the pillows were soft and when he tried to climb up them he just sank right into my shoulder. He was surprised and it was hilarious. He then climbs around back there for a minute, but when he jumps out he jumps over the pillows, and since he couldn't see me he landed right on my computer, which also surprised him. Gosh. I've spent more time laughing at him than I have studying. I'm surely going to fail this test.

Lose

I'm so glad I didn't lose everything I thought I was going to. I have more than I ever have before and whether I'm missing a piece or not, the rest is fully put together and looks great. I am content.

Peace

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. -Philippians 4:11-13

At church, the kiddos have a memory verse every month, this is mine. I refuse NOT to be content, I refuse to take my life and my family and friends for granted. I refuse NOT to be happy. I am content, and I am calm.

I pray every night to be guided to the right thing to do, the right path to take, the right things to say. I pray that I can find peace with my situation, with my past. No matter what I do, my past is a part of me. I've lost a lot of friends and loved ones because of it, but I can't let that keep me from seeking out people who will accept me regardless of my past. I am who I am because of everything that has happened to me, because of everything that I've gone through. I have accepted the things that have happened to me. I have cried and I have prayed, and I have learned from all that has happened. Now, my challenge, is to find peace with how that past affects other people.

Things change, I know that. People change, I know that too. I just want peace when these things change. I want reassurance that the decisions that were made were the right ones. I want to know that I am doing all I can to further His plan. Heartbreak happens, pain happens, abuse happens, I will grow, and learn, and find peace.

21

Five years ago, if you'd told me I was going to make it to 21 I would have laughed in your face. I didn't think I'd make it to 18 let alone 21. But here I am, and I'm so thankful to have the friends and family that I have in my life. They make this ride the most exciting one of all. Thank God for my life and for the people in it who make it worth living. Happy birthday to me!

"Are You Okay?"

Are you okay? What a loaded question! If we're being specific, yes I am okay with a lot of things. If we're being broad and it's an overall feelings type question, then I'm all over the board. I'm GOING to be okay I suppose. Is that good enough? I'm okay SOME days. Again, is that good enough?

I'm reading a book called "Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillow. I'm five chapters in and already I have learned more about myself than I ever thought I could from a book. The book is about learning to be content, and even though I thought it was impossible, I'm realizing that I can become content, that I can be thankful for the here and now, the circumstances I live in, whether good or bad, I will be content.

I may not be completely thrilled at my current situation, but somehow, I'm thankful. God knows that I am not only strong enough to handle this, but that I need these specific circumstances to fulfill some sort of purpose. I'm learning a lot from these circumstances whether I like them or not.

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Right? I've also heard, "when life gives you lemons, throw them at someone" but that doesn't seem quite as insightful. Well, I've got loads of lemons just waiting to become lemonade. So here I go, turning my less desirable circumstances into opportunities for growth. Wow I sound like a dork. Anyways, let the juicing begin!

Revised

Blog REVISED! There's a lot of stuff changed (layout, posts, etc.) but for the most part the important stuff is still here. Most of the poems aren't here anymore but they're not really me anymore anyways. New stuff to come!

Sounds like an adventure!