Heart

I've been told in the last few days that I'm compassionate and brave and that people are proud of me. I've been told that I have a really big heart. What people don't seem to notice, is how many pieces of that heart I've let go wandering around with other people. Right now, my heart is in so many different places, from my friends, to lost friends, to my grandparents, to my baby cousin. I feel like there's not whole lot of heart left for me. That sounds really selfish, but I'm loving on this little girl and yet feeling like there's nothing in the world I can do for her, and I'm also still broken about relationships. I am obviously not enough for a lot of people judging from those who have left me recently, and I'm afraid that I'm not enough for her either. I want her to have everything, I love her so incredibly much, just like I love all of the children in my family, but they deserve the world and I don't know how to make that happen for her.
I don't want to admit it, but I'm still crying every night before I go to sleep. Not necessarily because I've lost someone I love, which I have, but because I'm afraid that I'm going to love people who are just going to leave. I've had a problem with abandonment and rejection my whole life, and now that my past is the reason I'm being abandoned, I don't know where to turn.
So maybe I am compassionate, even brave. Maybe I do have a big heart. Sometimes I feel like it's worthless to have a big heart, because you are passionate about things you can't do shit about.

Skillet - Yours To Hold

Every single day
I find it hard to say
I could be yours alone
You will see someday
That all along the way
I was yours to hold
I was yours to hold

I'm stretching but you're just out of reach
You should know
I'm ready when you're ready for me
And I'm waiting for the right time
For the day I catch your eye
To let you know
That I'm yours to hold

Cat

I would just like to say, that it is far more fun to study when you have a cat that insists on doing stupid things to make you laugh. I'm sitting on my bed, and Chester comes in. I expected him to either come in and lay on my bed, or come in, sniff around, and leave. But OH NO! He comes in, explores under my bed, meowing at me for 5 minutes, then comes out, then he climbs up onto my bed (I say climbs because he only has one back leg to jump with so he sort of has to claw my bed to get up) he doesn't lay down though. He walks around my bed for 2 minutes, then inches his way toward my hands which were typing on the computer, until I pet him. He gets bored of that, sits down by the window and looks out. THEN he goes up under my blinds for a better view. Now, to understand how funny this is, you have to know that my window sill is not very wide, so he climbs up there, between the window and the blinds, with his fur handing between the blinds and starts purring. A really loud purr that I couldn't ignore. Anyways, he gets bored of that too. Then he comes back onto my bed and starts looking up behind my pillows. I have two really big pillows in front of my body pillow when I've made my bed and he insisted on jumping back there not realizing that the pillows were soft and when he tried to climb up them he just sank right into my shoulder. He was surprised and it was hilarious. He then climbs around back there for a minute, but when he jumps out he jumps over the pillows, and since he couldn't see me he landed right on my computer, which also surprised him. Gosh. I've spent more time laughing at him than I have studying. I'm surely going to fail this test.

Lose

I'm so glad I didn't lose everything I thought I was going to. I have more than I ever have before and whether I'm missing a piece or not, the rest is fully put together and looks great. I am content.

Peace

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. -Philippians 4:11-13

At church, the kiddos have a memory verse every month, this is mine. I refuse NOT to be content, I refuse to take my life and my family and friends for granted. I refuse NOT to be happy. I am content, and I am calm.

I pray every night to be guided to the right thing to do, the right path to take, the right things to say. I pray that I can find peace with my situation, with my past. No matter what I do, my past is a part of me. I've lost a lot of friends and loved ones because of it, but I can't let that keep me from seeking out people who will accept me regardless of my past. I am who I am because of everything that has happened to me, because of everything that I've gone through. I have accepted the things that have happened to me. I have cried and I have prayed, and I have learned from all that has happened. Now, my challenge, is to find peace with how that past affects other people.

Things change, I know that. People change, I know that too. I just want peace when these things change. I want reassurance that the decisions that were made were the right ones. I want to know that I am doing all I can to further His plan. Heartbreak happens, pain happens, abuse happens, I will grow, and learn, and find peace.

21

Five years ago, if you'd told me I was going to make it to 21 I would have laughed in your face. I didn't think I'd make it to 18 let alone 21. But here I am, and I'm so thankful to have the friends and family that I have in my life. They make this ride the most exciting one of all. Thank God for my life and for the people in it who make it worth living. Happy birthday to me!

"Are You Okay?"

Are you okay? What a loaded question! If we're being specific, yes I am okay with a lot of things. If we're being broad and it's an overall feelings type question, then I'm all over the board. I'm GOING to be okay I suppose. Is that good enough? I'm okay SOME days. Again, is that good enough?

I'm reading a book called "Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillow. I'm five chapters in and already I have learned more about myself than I ever thought I could from a book. The book is about learning to be content, and even though I thought it was impossible, I'm realizing that I can become content, that I can be thankful for the here and now, the circumstances I live in, whether good or bad, I will be content.

I may not be completely thrilled at my current situation, but somehow, I'm thankful. God knows that I am not only strong enough to handle this, but that I need these specific circumstances to fulfill some sort of purpose. I'm learning a lot from these circumstances whether I like them or not.

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Right? I've also heard, "when life gives you lemons, throw them at someone" but that doesn't seem quite as insightful. Well, I've got loads of lemons just waiting to become lemonade. So here I go, turning my less desirable circumstances into opportunities for growth. Wow I sound like a dork. Anyways, let the juicing begin!

Revised

Blog REVISED! There's a lot of stuff changed (layout, posts, etc.) but for the most part the important stuff is still here. Most of the poems aren't here anymore but they're not really me anymore anyways. New stuff to come!

Sounds like an adventure!

Quotes

“I’m selfish, impatient, and insecure. I make mistakes. I am out of control and at times, hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best.”

― Marilyn Monroe

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.”
― Neil Gaiman

Magnet

So after my awful weekend I purchased this magnet. It's a ribbon magnet, an orange one, it says "self-harm awareness" on it. I'm so excited to have it, I want to be able to explain it, but I can't. So, I have no idea what I'm going to do with it. I want to have the strength and the courage to put it on my car, I want people to know how hard I've struggled and with what, but I don't think I can do that at this point. So here it sits, in my room. I'm aware of self-harm, I'm aware of MY OWN self-harm, and yet I'm the only one that can see this magnet. The point of this is going to be getting to a point where I can put it out on my car without thinking about it and realizing that I can talk about it, that I can let people into my little world of pain. Letting people know that I'm healing and this is part of the only way I know how.

Until The Dreams Come True

My world is shattering. Literally. Everything I know is changing or being ripped from me. All I want, is to drop this semester and go home, and yet I can't do that and it kills. I want to take a break. I don't want roommates, I don't want the boy, I don't want the fighting WITH the boy, I don't want the classes, I don't want the therapy, I just want to go home, to my room, and be left alone. That said, if I do that, I'm not coming back, there's now ay. I'd be quitting all of the things I love most about my life so it's clearly not an option. Still, it's how I'm thinking right now. I keep thinking that I either do that, or I quit. Even though I feel so alone, I know that if I quit I would be leaving a lot of people upset and angry with me. Sometimes though, those people's pain just doesn't seem to compare to mine. I'm not different from them, but like a friend told me recently, sometimes you just gotta take care of yourself. I want to quit, I want to just give the fuck up, but I still have dreams, and until those fucking dreams come true I'm going to keep fighting for them until they do.

God

God. That three letter word separates a lot of people. God doesn't cause it, but there are so many wars, so many arguments, so many problems that are centered around whether or not two people or two groups hold the same beliefs in one entity.  God. 

It's hard to believe without a doubt in anything, let alone something you can't see. I want to be sure. I want my faith to be as strong as it was when I was 4. When all I knew was what my parents and my church and my Sunday school teachers told me. I want to have that blind faith again.

Jesus. A whole different issue. I know beyond a doubt that there IS a God. That He is an amazing entity no matter how you look at it. The issue is Jesus. Jesus existed, that I understand, but beyond that I'm fuzzy. I want to believe that he was the son of God and that he was God coming to Earth to solve everything for us. But I just can't completely submit to that belief. I don't know that one person, no matter how awesome, no matter how many good things they do, no matter how highly they hold themselves, can actually be the son of God and know so much about everything. 

I know that God is all knowing, all powerful, I have no problem with that. To me that is definitely a fact, but Jesus? I never met him. I've never felt his power or presence like I have felt God's.  And yes, maybe they're the same, maybe I have felt Jesus' presence before and have mistaken it for God's, I have no idea. I'm really hoping that someday, the light bulb above my head turns on when it comes to Jesus. He is real, I believe that Jesus was the son of God and came to save all people who were willing to be saved.

So, do my doubts mean that I'm not willing to be saved? If I completely put my faith and trust in God, will I still go to Heaven if I don't believe in Jesus? I will never deny God again even though I have in the past. But Jesus is a whole different story. He confuses me. He is not as easy to figure out. God was never a person to me. He was just a power, an entity that I understand. Jesus is supposed to be this extremely powerful and amazing person that actually walked on this planet, spoke with real people, and died just like any other human being and yet He is supposed to be God? How does that work?

Also, should my doubts about Jesus keep me from going to a church where I know that they completely believe in Jesus? And why do people rely so heavily on the Bible if there are so many things in it that are clearly unethical and wrong in today's society? And last, why is there nobody on earth that can answer my questions without a doubt? Was Jesus the only person who ever existed that ever could? And why was His presence only limited to the time that He was alive? Why can't He come back? Why isn't He back now? There's clearly just as much world unrest as there ever could have been back when He did walk with people.  Why does this unrest not measure up to the unrest that was occurring when He lived and died on the cross? Are we, as a people, completely undeserving of His presence in our lives? Why can't He, God, when I ask, help me to believe in what IS true and what IS in my life?

I want my life to be fulfilling, and currently, knowing that I do not go to church on a regular basis, and knowing that my children deserve answers when they come home from school asking about God and Jesus, I want to change what I'm doing. I want church, and I want worship. I want to sing the songs that clearly display my belief in God. But before I can do that, something has got to solve this Jesus thing for me. Let's get that cleared up and maybe He and I can have the relationship that I thought I had when I blindly believed in Him as a child.

God. Help me.