Come Back

I used to love coming home. I used to love that whenever I was home, I got real food, I got to spend time with my parents, I got to see my dogs. I used to be able to forget him while I was home and away... Now, whenever I'm home, there's that box. The purple sparkly sequin box still resides in my closet, and when I move to my new room, I don't know what I'm going to do with it. A piece of me is saying "get rid of it", but I know that I can't. I know that deep down, I'm still hoping that he will come back. Part of me feels like he died. He basically did die to me, he never talks to me, I can't see what he is doing. I'm SO proud of him for going to college and stuff, but I'll never be able to say that to him. The pictures are the worst. Some of them, we're as happy as we ever were, and the smiles are so amazing, and others I can tell we weren't happy, and most of those I have thrown away. When you've gotten rid of everything that reminds you of how much hurt the relationship caused, you forget about that hurt. When you forget about the hurt, you only remember the good things, the things you'd die to replace and bring back. The things you'd die to have again, only to remember, that's not going to happen. I want to know where he is, what he's doing. Just to know that he's okay would be enough. I fear that someday, something will happen, and he won't know that I still love him. If he goes through some terrible thing, and needs someone, he won't know that I'm totally there for him. If he were to call me tonight, tell me he was in trouble, tell me he needed me, I would be in my car in seconds, driving to wherever he is, taking however many days out of my life because I still love him. But he's not going to call. I still leave my phone on all night. I used to do that so that if he needed me and called me, I'd be able to answer. I still half hope that some night at some wee hour in the morning, my phone will ring. Although now it would ring with a number I don't know. Maybe, like his phone number, he and his heart have really changed. Maybe he wouldn't be the Sean I knew from high school. Maybe he's a completely different person that I wouldn't recognize. Or maybe, he'd be exactly like he was when I fell in love with him: stubborn, sarcastic, and completely supportive. There are SO many things I want to say to him, but mostly, I just want to sit silently in his arms again even though I know that's impossible. I miss you SO much Sean and someday I hope you realize that, and you come back...

Dear Friends

Dear Friends,
I love you. I want you to know that I love you. You keep me sane. You give me hope. You're my saving grace when I'm so low I can't find my way. You're my angels and I want to be yours. Know that no matter what the hour, where in the world, or how angry we might be at each other, I will always answer, and I will always care, no matter what.
Love,
Me

Been a while...

So it's definitely been a while. A lot has changed. I have changed. I am not the person everyone knew in high school. I'm not the same person that I knew back then. I'm different. I'm happier. Or, I'm better at hiding when I am unhappy. Right now, all I can think about is doing the things that used to make me happy again. Doing those things that I was so incredibly adicted to. Doing those things that he had to save me from. For some reason, realizing that it has been over a full year since I was loved makes me very scared. I'm ready again to be loved I think, but even when I get close, I run. I remember every time I ran from him and he ALWAYS followed me and chased me down and held me, tight, until I stopped crying, stopped screaming. He was my rock, my stable opinion, my first real love. I miss him tonight. I can't say why because even I don't know. He told me once that my hair looked better long (right after I had cut it all off). Well, my hair is really long again because I can't bring myself to cut it. I don't know if that's the real reason, but it keeps coming up somehow.
These past few weeks, I've been thinking a lot about giving up and quitting. Quitting my job, quitting school, quitting the act, quitting life. I saw what suicide did to an entire family, to a class. I know how much it hurts them, so I don't know why I consciously think about it every single day. It's harder now, knowing that I have to save myself. Knowing that if I go to someone knew it opens so many doors that have been closed and locked for so long. Sitting alone in a room full of options and actually thinking about it again is really getting to me. I'm not saying anyone NEEDS to worry about me. But I'm a little worried. The rope my life hangs on is fraying again, and this time, there's nobody there to pull me up when I'm hanging by a thread. When I get to that final thread, I don't know where I'll be, who will know, or whether I can save myself. When you think about giving up every single day, and there's not one thing that concretely changes your mind, should you just give in? Because it fuckin' hurts to fight this hard just to sleep through the night and wake up for another day.

Closure.

There was a part of my life where all I thought I needed was to be 'with' somebody. I know now that I can be perfectly happy just having close friends. I guess all I needed to get over him was the chance to ask my questions openly and honestly, and the chance to really say my goodbye helped too. I feel like I have real closure now. A sense of closure that I didn't have before. A sense that everything will be okay, for me and for him. I asked if he's with her now, he said yes. I asked if he loved her, he said he thinks so. Then I asked if he's happy, and he said for now. I hope that for now means forever, just like forever, meant for now when he said it to me. I hope that he knows he's in my heart always. I hope that he knows I will always look at the moon and think of him. And I hope that he's proud of me, for taking this closure, and letting it go through that purple sparkly sequin box without crying.... and I hope that it is the right thing to do to empty it...to start over. I hope this is the right thing, but for right now? I'm content, I'm happy, and I haven't been able to say that in a long time. So thanks Sean, for giving me this chance, and for giving me one last, real, goodbye.

Scars

My past is full of scars. Literally. I'm not sure it's completely in my past, but at the same time it's better. I bought oil to make the scars go away. It's like a bittersweet thing though. Every scar I have has it's own story, it's own memory that goes with it. So by getting rid of them it's like erasing a part of my past. I guess I can never get rid of them completely, but they're fading, just like he is, and just like so many people and memories from my past are fading. Some will be gone, some won't, some I'll want to leave, and some I want gone. Leave it to me to find meaning in the simple healing of the literal scars on my arm. Leave it to me to connect it back to him...

Does he know?

Does he know that dreams about him still interrupt my sleep? Does he know that he changed me and I can't change back? Does he know that I don't go one day without thinking about him? Does he know that he has hurt me more times than I've told him? Does he know that I know he's making a huge mistake? Does he know that I know that he is just ignoring and avoiding me? Does he know that I can never forgive him? Does he know that I will never ever forget him? Does he know that I know? Does he know how much I gave up for him? Does he get it? Will he ever know? Will he ever understand?

Moving Along

Wow, life is completely amazing right now. I got my Residence Assistant position, have done really well in classes lately, and I'm home for the weekend. It's really nice to be home and see people that I haven't seen in forever, like the Jr. High Play kids. I miss that kind of thing. The play and the musical and the baseball games and such. Oh well. I'm starting to realize that there are so many good things at this point, that all the bad things can go away and leave and I don't even care. It's nice to know that I can be completely functional by myself haha. Terrible to think that it's going to be like that for a long time, but we'll get to that later. Being home is so weird though. Like, yes, I'm home, and yes, I'm your daughter, but no, I'm not 15 anymore. I LOVE having a curfew! Just kidding. I'm totally fine with saying where I'm going to be and everything, that's fine, but when I have to be home by some ridiculous time like 10pm or even 11pm, it gets super annoying. I come back to this house and I feel like I'm either being punished, or I'm 8 years old again. I come back to get away from school too, and here I find myself doing homework just to avoid working in the yard with my dad because it's freaking cold outside haha. What a life.

Long Gone

So, you're gone. So, I may never see or speak to you again. So, I cried for a few days after last talking to you. Who wouldn't after someone says that they're seriously saying goodbye forever? So, you're long gone. I want you to know that I pray for you, every night, at the same time. I pray that you're happy and that nothing will come between you and your dreams. I pray that you will be successful in your life. But most of all? I pray that you don't cry. I pray that you don't care, that you're over me completely. My fortune cookie the other day said "someone from your past will re-enter your life soon". If it's you...please don't. I'm going to be happy. At some point soon I'm going to stop checking to see if you're online even though I know you aren't. Someday I'm going to realize that you're not coming back. That this is really for good and we're never going to speak again. I'm not the kind of person to say goodbye easily, so this is really hard for me. I blocked your number from my phone. Even if you wanted to you couldn't get a hold of me that way. I hope that you never need to get a hold of me. Then there'd be no point in getting over it. But from now on I'm going to stop looking for someone to hold me and instead I'm going to let life give me what it has to offer. Anyways, the point here is that I hope you're happy in all the ways you can be. I hope you never hurt anyone, and I sincerely hope nobody ever hurts you. Anyways, as long gone as you are, remember my promise. I promised you I would ALWAYS love you. I've never lied about that. So with all my love, and for the last time, goodbye handsome.

Wonder

I wonder, honestly, whether life really can be a happily ever after. Does everyone find that person who they could ride off into the sunset with? Does every girl end up with her prince charming? Will I ever find, that one person, who will love me too much to actually walk away? I don't want to have to work to love someone. I don't want to have to try to be attracted to someone just because they're amazing as far as their personality. And I don't want to find someone I'm physically attracted to who doesn't have the personality I am looking for. I look, all the time, for someone for forever. I had it, I thought I had it at least. And I don't know whether to revert back to loving the one person I thought would never walk away from me, or to put myself out there and find someone else even though I feel like I have tried. I want another chance obviously to work on something I've already had, but I probably don't deserve it and it's definitely not what he wants. So I'm content being that friend. As long as I AM a friend I guess. I just wanna be loved, by friends, by family, by someone special, anything... Just wanna feel it. And I know I will. Whether I feel it from him or another man ever again.

Best Friend

Coming home is always difficult. There's not a place I can go, or a person I can talk to that doesn't remind me of what I no longer have. I go back to school and there are people who still talk to him even though I can't very much. There are places I drive by every day that make me think of him. Part of me loves that I still think about him... Part of me is terrified that if I never stop thinking about him, I'll never love someone again.

It's Valentines Day today... I have no valentine for a reason. The reason is that because he can't be my valentine, I don't want one at all. I haven't spent a Valentine's Day alone in a long time. There have been many roses, and many gifts given. But this time, there's nothing. I could go through the box again, just to feel loved. I could drive to the hill again, or cry in the parking lot, or drive up the mountain, or eat at that restaurant or look at my pictures or... well, there's a lot of stuff I could do, but nothing that is going to make me feel any less alone than I actually am.

It's been almost 7 months since we broke up and I still wish every day that he would show up and say that he still wants me, still needs me, still loves me... Even just still wants to talk to me. I wish people were right. I wish we were going to end up together because he's the only person who knows me as well as I do. We were close enough that those bad or good feelings in the pit of our stomachs were almost always right... especially his. He knew me, for good or for bad, he knew every part of me, every emotion and feeling I ever had he knew. He was my Romeo...My Joe...My Jack... And he always said he wanted to be those things forever... Either he lied...or he changed his mind.

He has changed. Only a little though... He's grown up a bit and so have I... But I'm always gonna be the girl he said he fell in love with. And no matter what, he will always be the guy I fell deep in love with... Whether that means that we could ever have a chance again I have no idea. I know one thing and that's it. I know that I miss him and that I go to bed every night thinking about him and praying for him. I know that I still love him because although I'm jealous of the girl he is or was with, I want him to have her if she is what makes him happy. If she's not well then I'll mess her up haha, but if she is then I want them to make it. But if I'm someone that could make him happy again, then I want another chance, I want a chance to make it, a chance to have the life that we always talked about and promised to eachother. The house, the dogs, the kids...everything. Maybe I'm just in love with an idea, but as far as I'm concerned, he's all I want.

I've met new people now, and I thought I'd find someone new. Well I haven't, and I am not going to I don't think. Not someone who measures up and surpasses that happiness that I had with him. He's worth waiting for, worth praying for, worth fighting for. And I plan to do just those things. I still love him. I miss him and hope to god that I can see him again someday... I'm not one to let go of things, but I'm especially not one to let go of people that mean as much to me as he does. I want my best friend back...

Birthday

As some of you probably know, I kinda hate birthdays. You're born once. Celebrate then. You die once, and people only hold funerals one time, you get married once (hopefully) and you only have a wedding once, what's the difference? I guess that's not the REAL reason I don't like birthdays. And it's not because I don't want to get old or I feel like I'm getting old too fast. It's just that it makes me thing back on the last year of my life. From the time I turned 18 until now absolutely everything in my life changed. At that point, I was in high school, preparing for Footloose with some of my best ever friends. Now, I have no music in my life, and a lot fewer friends. At that point, I had a boyfriend I dearly loved that I imagined I would spend forever with. Now, I have no boyfriend, and spending forever with one person seems unimaginable. At that point, I was still in high school, living at home, responsible for absolutely nothing but getting to school on time with the right homework. Now, I'm in college, living in a dorm, responsible for everything from getting to school, the right homework, to doing my laundry, eating right, buying gas, working in an office, and possibly making a huge, life changing decision by myself. A shit load has changed in my life since February 1st a year ago. And the truth is...I wouldn't want to go back. Sure I'd like to change some little things, how I did in school, what kind of a girlfriend I was, having more fun my senior year...but for the most part, this year was just a huge rollercoaster. The ups and downs have made me SO much stronger than I ever thought that I would be. I accept myself for who I've become and what I plan to do with my life. With this decision comes a huge change. If I take on this challenge, my life will forever be different. As will someone elses. The question is whether I want this year to be another year of complete flip flopping of my life, or whether I want a simple, normal year, instead of holding on to the only thing I've got left... I'm not ready for this, that's for damn sure. But I'd be ready, and I'd be amazing. Courage is not the absense of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear(~Ambrose Redmoon)
. I'm not afraid.

Dear Purple Sparkly Sequin Box

I told myself, that to really be over it, I had to go through the box without crying, and be able to throw every note away. I can't. And I can't decide if it's because I'm holding on even though I don't think I am, or if it's because I feel like it's throwing two years of my life in the trash can. I only have that box left. That's it. If I throw it away it's like trying to erase two years of my life. Two years, I might add, that brought me more happiness from one person than I had experienced up to that point in my life. How is someone supposed to do that? I know he gave back all the notes that I wrote to him and they're in there too (that box is FULL!). There are the pictures from Homecoming 07, Prom 08, Homecoming 08 and Prom 09. It has my senior pictures, and his senior pictures. I kept his graduation announcement, the little name card, the program from his graduation, and pictures that I took of him graduating. It has pictures of us from my graduation, my graduation party, and pictures we took together. There are notes of "I love you" and notes of "I'm so sorry" and notes of "hope you had a great day". There are tickets from every movie, every dance, ever game that we went to. There are score sheets from each time we played mini golf. There are dried corsages from every dance. That's two years of my life. That's something I can't just throw out. So here's the NEW plan. I will keep that box of you. Just as I have kept a piece of "us" in my heart as I always will. I will simply get a new box, and continue my life. It'll be a new empty box. And years and years from now, I'll have quite a few boxes of memories, and that old, dusty, purple sequin box will no longer seem so incredibly sad.