Revised

Blog REVISED! There's a lot of stuff changed (layout, posts, etc.) but for the most part the important stuff is still here. Most of the poems aren't here anymore but they're not really me anymore anyways. New stuff to come!

Sounds like an adventure!

Quotes

“I’m selfish, impatient, and insecure. I make mistakes. I am out of control and at times, hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best.”

― Marilyn Monroe

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.”
― Neil Gaiman

Magnet

So after my awful weekend I purchased this magnet. It's a ribbon magnet, an orange one, it says "self-harm awareness" on it. I'm so excited to have it, I want to be able to explain it, but I can't. So, I have no idea what I'm going to do with it. I want to have the strength and the courage to put it on my car, I want people to know how hard I've struggled and with what, but I don't think I can do that at this point. So here it sits, in my room. I'm aware of self-harm, I'm aware of MY OWN self-harm, and yet I'm the only one that can see this magnet. The point of this is going to be getting to a point where I can put it out on my car without thinking about it and realizing that I can talk about it, that I can let people into my little world of pain. Letting people know that I'm healing and this is part of the only way I know how.

Until The Dreams Come True

My world is shattering. Literally. Everything I know is changing or being ripped from me. All I want, is to drop this semester and go home, and yet I can't do that and it kills. I want to take a break. I don't want roommates, I don't want the boy, I don't want the fighting WITH the boy, I don't want the classes, I don't want the therapy, I just want to go home, to my room, and be left alone. That said, if I do that, I'm not coming back, there's now ay. I'd be quitting all of the things I love most about my life so it's clearly not an option. Still, it's how I'm thinking right now. I keep thinking that I either do that, or I quit. Even though I feel so alone, I know that if I quit I would be leaving a lot of people upset and angry with me. Sometimes though, those people's pain just doesn't seem to compare to mine. I'm not different from them, but like a friend told me recently, sometimes you just gotta take care of yourself. I want to quit, I want to just give the fuck up, but I still have dreams, and until those fucking dreams come true I'm going to keep fighting for them until they do.

God

God. That three letter word separates a lot of people. God doesn't cause it, but there are so many wars, so many arguments, so many problems that are centered around whether or not two people or two groups hold the same beliefs in one entity.  God. 

It's hard to believe without a doubt in anything, let alone something you can't see. I want to be sure. I want my faith to be as strong as it was when I was 4. When all I knew was what my parents and my church and my Sunday school teachers told me. I want to have that blind faith again.

Jesus. A whole different issue. I know beyond a doubt that there IS a God. That He is an amazing entity no matter how you look at it. The issue is Jesus. Jesus existed, that I understand, but beyond that I'm fuzzy. I want to believe that he was the son of God and that he was God coming to Earth to solve everything for us. But I just can't completely submit to that belief. I don't know that one person, no matter how awesome, no matter how many good things they do, no matter how highly they hold themselves, can actually be the son of God and know so much about everything. 

I know that God is all knowing, all powerful, I have no problem with that. To me that is definitely a fact, but Jesus? I never met him. I've never felt his power or presence like I have felt God's.  And yes, maybe they're the same, maybe I have felt Jesus' presence before and have mistaken it for God's, I have no idea. I'm really hoping that someday, the light bulb above my head turns on when it comes to Jesus. He is real, I believe that Jesus was the son of God and came to save all people who were willing to be saved.

So, do my doubts mean that I'm not willing to be saved? If I completely put my faith and trust in God, will I still go to Heaven if I don't believe in Jesus? I will never deny God again even though I have in the past. But Jesus is a whole different story. He confuses me. He is not as easy to figure out. God was never a person to me. He was just a power, an entity that I understand. Jesus is supposed to be this extremely powerful and amazing person that actually walked on this planet, spoke with real people, and died just like any other human being and yet He is supposed to be God? How does that work?

Also, should my doubts about Jesus keep me from going to a church where I know that they completely believe in Jesus? And why do people rely so heavily on the Bible if there are so many things in it that are clearly unethical and wrong in today's society? And last, why is there nobody on earth that can answer my questions without a doubt? Was Jesus the only person who ever existed that ever could? And why was His presence only limited to the time that He was alive? Why can't He come back? Why isn't He back now? There's clearly just as much world unrest as there ever could have been back when He did walk with people.  Why does this unrest not measure up to the unrest that was occurring when He lived and died on the cross? Are we, as a people, completely undeserving of His presence in our lives? Why can't He, God, when I ask, help me to believe in what IS true and what IS in my life?

I want my life to be fulfilling, and currently, knowing that I do not go to church on a regular basis, and knowing that my children deserve answers when they come home from school asking about God and Jesus, I want to change what I'm doing. I want church, and I want worship. I want to sing the songs that clearly display my belief in God. But before I can do that, something has got to solve this Jesus thing for me. Let's get that cleared up and maybe He and I can have the relationship that I thought I had when I blindly believed in Him as a child.

God. Help me.

Still

I still miss him too... But I'm also very over him. Finally. I don't actually miss HIM, I miss having someone to run to, someone to comfort me, someone to hold me and love me. But those aren't things that are unique to him.  Someday, I'll find someone who does all of those things, yet doesn't cause me to feel guilty or lonely or angry about things... I'll find my Romeo. I'll find my Joe. I'll find my Jack Dawson. I'll find him someday, because he wasn't it.

Dear Heart

Dear Heart,
Please open up again. Please heal all the holes left behind by him, and stitch the cuts created by losing her. Please tuck the bad memories and choices away, please let forgiveness flood the oceans of hurt created by past mistakes. Please let someone new take a piece, for now, and later a hold of my whole heart.  Please let someone in again, let me love again.  Please forgive but never forget those things in my past that have gotten me to where I am.  Please use my scars to remember that hearts heal even after immense pain.  Please give me back my voice, my laughter, myself. Help me let myself go through as much hurt as it takes to find happy. 
Dear Heart,
Please let go.

Getting over it

And I think I'm finally getting over it. Those first few days back, when everything reminded me of him. When everything reminded me of how great things were sometimes. Those days were hard. Those days really hurt. I remembered all of the times we were happy, the times we weren't, and the time after, when missing him took up all of my energy. But I'm done missing him. Someday, if he comes back, and wants to try, we'll see. But right now, I'm moving on. I'm getting through it, and there's nothing else I want more than to see both of us happy. I deserve someone who will do all the good things Sean used to do, but not any of the bad, and I guess if I'm going to be happy, I need to go looking for it.

"The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself. ~Benjamin Franklin"

HERE I GO!

What can you do when your good isn't good enough? And all that you touch tumbles down?-Glee

Won't Be Lonely Long.

Heaven help the fool who did her wrong, it's too late, to bad, she's too far gone. He should'a thought of that when he left her all alone. If she's lonely now, she won't be lonely long.

~Clay Walker

Today...

I said something today, in a text, and I think it's worth remembering...

"Just because I wish things were different, doesn't mean I'm blind to the way they are."

I meant what I said. But that doesn't mean it's easy.

Come Back

I used to love coming home. I used to love that whenever I was home, I got real food, I got to spend time with my parents, I got to see my dogs. I used to be able to forget him while I was home and away... Now, whenever I'm home, there's that box. The purple sparkly sequin box still resides in my closet, and when I move to my new room, I don't know what I'm going to do with it. A piece of me is saying "get rid of it", but I know that I can't. I know that deep down, I'm still hoping that he will come back. Part of me feels like he died. He basically did die to me, he never talks to me, I can't see what he is doing. I'm SO proud of him for going to college and stuff, but I'll never be able to say that to him. The pictures are the worst. Some of them, we're as happy as we ever were, and the smiles are so amazing, and others I can tell we weren't happy, and most of those I have thrown away. When you've gotten rid of everything that reminds you of how much hurt the relationship caused, you forget about that hurt. When you forget about the hurt, you only remember the good things, the things you'd die to replace and bring back. The things you'd die to have again, only to remember, that's not going to happen. I want to know where he is, what he's doing. Just to know that he's okay would be enough. I fear that someday, something will happen, and he won't know that I still love him. If he goes through some terrible thing, and needs someone, he won't know that I'm totally there for him. If he were to call me tonight, tell me he was in trouble, tell me he needed me, I would be in my car in seconds, driving to wherever he is, taking however many days out of my life because I still love him. But he's not going to call. I still leave my phone on all night. I used to do that so that if he needed me and called me, I'd be able to answer. I still half hope that some night at some wee hour in the morning, my phone will ring. Although now it would ring with a number I don't know. Maybe, like his phone number, he and his heart have really changed. Maybe he wouldn't be the Sean I knew from high school. Maybe he's a completely different person that I wouldn't recognize. Or maybe, he'd be exactly like he was when I fell in love with him: stubborn, sarcastic, and completely supportive. There are SO many things I want to say to him, but mostly, I just want to sit silently in his arms again even though I know that's impossible. I miss you SO much Sean and someday I hope you realize that, and you come back...