Unsure

For days I've wanted to write something. ANYTHING to explain how I feel, but I couldn't begin to describe this feeling. Everything in the world being felt at once. Relief, anger, resentment, abandonment, distrust, love, heartache, physical pain, hope, calm, loneliness, fear, regret, guilt, shame, pride, helplessness, empowered... It goes on and on. I said goodbye, but not before you told me something that killed every part of me that could have loved you. I felt like I was being stabbed in the stomach with a sword. It went right through me and then it was ripped out again. And when I laid there bleeding, you walked away. The worst part is, you blame me for giving you the reason to hurt me, when really, my hurt this time is your fault. I didn't hand you the sword and say "please, stab me", I just got close enough to you, was vulnerable enough, that you had the chance to. I won't do that again. You told me I could trust you, told me that you never leave your friends. I felt safe with you, protected, yet you let me lay there bleeding. Rejected. I resent your reasons, I resent you stringing me along for so long. I resent you for telling me that there had ever been a chance and then ripping it away from me. I don't resent you for yelling at me, or being angry with something I said or did, but I resent you for using me, for blaming me for something I didn't say or do, for abusing my feelings for you. The urge to talk to you, to see you, for you to hold me hasn't gone away. But you flipped everything without any warning, and I couldn't process any of it. Maybe they're right, I deserve someone who realizes that I'm worth it, realizes I'm valuable, realizes I have flaws and doesn't use them against me. I deserve someone better. At the same time I say that, I think of you, of how you USED to treat me. You've changed. I miss the old you. I still want to be friends with the old you if he's still there somewhere...